Who could love this body?

Stretch marks rippling across most of my body. They look sooo painful and ugly. Sometimes I mistake that pain and that ugliness for beauty because I feel like my stretch marks tell a story. But then I think about my husband (should God bless me with one  that is) how could he love this body? It looks old, and used and abused. Second hand, worn and literally torn.

Because of my indiscipline or whatever, I will rob him of the opportunity to EVER have a beautiful wife with beautiful smooth skin. If he rubs his hands over my body will he recoil in disgust? When the light falls on my skin and illuminates the network of stretch marks weaving their way across my body, will he wish he stare, repulsed? Will he look at me like a sideshow attraction?  ‘Step right up, see the amazing quilted woman!’

I won’t be able to wear a strapless/sleeveless dress because my arms are covered in stretch marks. Forget a two piece or anything midriff baring. Forget wearing something backless, or a neckline that exposes my chest which also is cracked like streets crippled by earthquakes.

Oh the skin I’m in…

Who could love a body like this?

For example, I’ll be in a group and someone’s going on about this ‘ENORMOUS 250 lb’ woman that sat next to them on the bus. I mean, they have NO IDEA what 250 lbs is. IIIIIIIIII am over 250 lbs, surely they wouldn’t have thrown that number out there if they thought that! People think 250 lbs looks like a BIIIIIIIIIG jiggling bowl of jello or something when in reality, 250 lbs can be quite tight and together and good looking and attractive!

People just carelessly toss numbers out there! ohh yeah she was ‘like’ 250lbs! well I am ‘like’ 250lbs and no one considers me ‘ENORMOUS’ in that exaaaaaaaaaaaggerated ‘larger than life’ ‘omg you wouldn’t believe how GINORMOUS she was’ kind of way!

Bottom line is people really need to understand weight and learn to be more sensitive when approximating. It can be really hurtful for the people they are talking about, and also for people who actually weigh that much but are being led to believe, by the same people, that they look just fine.

Anyway, weigh-in is tomorrow and I’m kinda excited about it. I feel lighter, and I look smaller too. I know technically it’s only been a week but I’ve been on a bit of a weight loss trend over the past 7 months so, I’m taking all that into account. I was 258.4 i think, last week hopefully tomorrow I’ll be 254- ish. THEN my net goal will be to get into the 240′s! I can’t remember the last time I weighed 240-anything! SO i’m really excited about that! Here’s to keeping on track this week and next!

Cheers!

Well, for the millionth time, I’m back. I doubt anyone out there noticed I was gone, or perhaps they did but it’s been so long they must’ve just forgotten about me!

So much has happened. Without trying really, I’ve lost 34 lbs! *cue applause*. I moved to a new country and the change in diet and lifestyle has made me functionally more fit. I’m so thankful for that. But I want to push and lose about 50 more pounds and now that I’m doing it consciously, I’m finding it tedious. Also, it seems like everyone around me is talking about diets and weight loss. I know this is a good things that people are trying to be healthier but it’s very annoying. As a morbidly obese person, I find that it would be impossible for me to go one day without hearing about calories, or points, or diets, or flab, or fat. If for one day I just wanted to step outside my house and forget about weight, I would have to avoid the media, reflective surfaces and WOMEN! We as women as obsessed with appearance. We all know and have been on at least one diet in our lifetimes and we’re all trying to lost something- whether it be 5 pounds so we can fit in to some dress or 200 lbs so we can finally feel good about ourselves. I just feel like there should be MORE we can talk about apart from weight and appearance. I am convinced that I can go weeks talking only with guy friends without ever once having the topic of weight come up! Sometimes I find it refreshing to talk to guys for that reason…when I’m with them (after I get over the fact that they could never be attracted to me the way I am) I get the rare opportunity to forget my weight altogether!- especially if I know I’m not trying in any way to impress them at all. hehe.

So! starting again…258.4. Let’s see if I can make it down to 200 before long!

Be encouraged!

Have a read here and don’t forget to tell me what you think! Also, please share with your friends, I’d love to know what they think as well!

After reading it, I came away with such a sense that being fat really is a pitiable state. People see you from a distance and they pity you. You may be feeling fine and walking with your head high, your inner light shining bright, you’re in control of your body BUT people don’t see that, they see a fat,  blubbery person, ambling towards the nearest resting point, mouth agape gasping for breath, skin plastered in the shiny gloss of sweat due to your obvious over exertion.

Over the years of being fat I’ve really become hypersensitive really about my body. i always am aware of my body and how much space it’s taking up at any given time.  I know how to walk just tightly and controlled enough to minimize rippling, i know how to judge a stable chair from and unstable one, I know how much i should scoot in the corner should someone need to pass. These are things that occupy my mind almost every minute of any social interaction!! how sad is that? and NOW to realize that despite all of that, i’m still perceived as pitiable.

Man, i know being fat is unhealthy and  very undesirable at least in the Western world, but still, this is too much of a burden for overweight people to bear!! are we not supposed to feel in any way good about ourselves? can we now elicit any other feeling than pity and sympathy from strangers? can we not inspire people? can’t we just BE?

I’ll leave you with this quote from Maura,

“So anyway, yes, I think I’d be grossed out if I had to watch two characters with rolls and rolls of fat kissing each other … because I’d be grossed out if I had to watch them doing anything. To be brutally honest, even in real life, I find it aesthetically displeasing to watch a very, very fat person simply walk across a room — just like I’d find it distressing if I saw a very drunk person stumbling across a bar or a heroine addict slumping in a chair.”

here’s the link again in case you missed it: http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/dating-blog/overweight-couples-on-television

Umm I ate alot of things today LOL…most of which will not appear on the table below BUT we all know that birthdays don’t count

November 2, today, is my birthday. I swore I wouldn’t take my huge weight into this new year of life, yet here I am, at the threshold carrying all glorious two hundred and eighty/ninety- howmuchever of it! Lovely.

Be all that as it may, here i go again. No lofty goals this time, I just want to lose *some* weight in *any* amount of time.

…right?

what’s yours?

or i should put it this way, i’m now realizing more than ever, how much discipline is needed to live the sort of life i want to live. everything is a discipline. eating right is a discipline, exercising is a discipline, prayer is a discipline, maintaining friendships (some more than others) is a discipline! I mean come on, are there any freebies in life at all?!

lol, anyways, as i’ve found before, i DO enjoy life more when i am eating in a disciplined fashion. i find that when my eating goes crazy, other disciplines in my life go out the window. everything is connected. and the reverse is true as well, when i start loosing out when it comes to other disciplines, my eating discipline goes out the window!!

let’s try to lead lives of consequence and discipline. we’ll be happy we did and when we look back on our decisions, we’ll find that we have no regrets!

p.s….I’m Back!